Looking back in my life 30 years later from when the obsession was lifted, and my life was never the same. I pondered this thought that until I fully surrendered, I never had a choice. Active addiction was a lifestyle that had engulfed me in every part of my being. I came into recovery and heard a slogan that was used a lot in the rooms, lived to use and used to live. And now looking back that pretty much summed up my life. Everyone ands everything that I knew was along for the ride, which was never smooth but was more like the crash and burn express. Choice is defined as this an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities. The problem was with my addiction it was always a single possibility because I didn’t think a 2nd one existed. I remember back in 1988 near the end of my mission to short all of South America up my nose, and in my humble opinion I didn’t need any help, I reached out to a friend and asked him for help. 6 years prior I had tried recovery but not knowing that I had a choice all my thoughts were related to addiction, and then the big brainstorm came. I thought if I sell drugs and don’t use them, I can be rich and in 2 days I was my best customer. Anyway, back to 1988, my buddy picked me up and took me to a meeting in which I sweated through it only thinking about how I was going to get the next one. Without the freedom of choice, we are consumed by active addiction until it consumes us. We left the meeting and as he pulled away, I slowly walked so I could see his taillights and as soon as he went around the corner, I jetted to go cop. Shortly after that night I ended up in a rehab and my insurance company back then only treated alcoholism, my blood stream was full of my drug of choice cocaine and so they told me that I could self-pay and I declined and exited the facility. I had called home and there was no answer, so I called my dealer and told him I was on my way. As I walked down the road as the rehab was only a few miles from home, as I crossed this overpass on the road a thought hit my heart who are you going to hurt, by going on another mission. Today I know it was the Lord speaking life into me. Proverbs 3:5-6 says this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. And that’s what God was doing putting me on a straight path, that only varies when I take my will back. So, I made it to a payphone yes some of you might know what things like payphone and pagers are. And I called home and they came and got me I ended up in my last treatment center and drank alcohol to make sure my insurance company had all the boxes checked off. As my time there was one of getting to know this thing, I tried to numb for years my emotions, emotionally I had tough days. One day I was not in a good space and I thought a thought that was not of God, that I should leave and give up. Well right after that thought I went to my room at the rehab and hit my knees and begged God, you know those if your there you better help me right now because I am losing my mind. You see I knew of God and had invited Him into my heart as a teen but never tried to grow into a relationship where I truly knew who he was. Today I know that we can’t have a foot in heaven and a foot in the world, it leads to confusion and God is not the author of confusion. As I prayed a calmness came over me like I never had experienced and with it a feeling that there may just be another way, in other words God let me know in my heart I had a choice and with it came a peace and freedom. I would like to say that from that point in my life everything went perfect, but that would not be the truth. The truth is that I know that I have a choice now and that is the catalysts in my recovery that the Lord established in my life. Jesus changed my life and He wants to change yours. Yes it can be scary doing something different but in His word I get peace he tells me in 2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. I look to His word for answers when I feel like I can’t take it anymore and there is peace I get from it and choice. Today I have a choice and I choose a life in Christ and with it a life in recovery. Looking back, I now know the one thing that moved in my life was me away from God, He is always there for you, we just have to reach out and receive what He wants to give us. I am not talking about getting religious, I am talking about a relationship where He will never leave you nor forsake you. When your down and out and he touches you heart and hope gets restored, because He is with you. In closing let me leave you with this scripture: Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.
Love you all JP
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